If I knew then what I know now...that what you tell yourself matters, I could've saved myself so much heartache.
Acceptance, validation, recognition, and attention are just a few of the words I thought would make me feel whole if only other people gave them to me. I spent years searching for what other people wanted in me instead of what I wanted in myself- which is the hardest race to run and one you will always lose. What other people expect of you can be obtainable but it will never feel fulfilling if it's not what you want. You'll spend your days lingering in regret and resentment feeling trapped for allowing yourself to be controlled by other people's perception. I thought true love would come in the form of a man that would sweep me off my feet, and spoil me with all the things women say they desire. God gave me that and more and I still wasn't happy, it had nothing to do with the man and everything to do with myself. I got lost in the web of people's perception, expectations, do's and don'ts for my life, to the point I forgot who I was. I couldn't remember the little girl that use to pretend to be a teacher in her bedroom because she loved talking and teaching, the teenage girl that loved to read and hated matching socks, the woman who wanted to travel the world learning new things that she could eventually bring back to her community. I found myself lost, sad and hopeless regardless of the good I was doing for the world what I was telling myself was everything but that.
Too many times I allowed myself to sit in a dark room filled with doubt and repeated negative words to myself, over and over again. Convincing myself I was a victim, blaming the people around me for not making me happy. My Uncle Myles would say ' society has condition us to think we can only derive happiness from other people, and if it's not given to us than we are suddenly not worthy= from the moment we're born we're taught to compete and compare and when we don't level up to societies lens we believe we are not to be accepted, validated, recolonized, given attention or loved, '
While trying to find my way back to the little girl that had the freedom to be who she wanted I realized this- the truest love you'll ever experience is the love you give yourself. No one can love you the way you need to be loved, because only you know what you deserve. Today is Valentine's day and instead of "being yours" I want to "be mine"-
Dear Self, I forgive you for the hate you used towards yourself. I forgive you for the hate you allowed others to use against you. I forgive you for not taking care of your temple. I forgive you for not taking time for yourself. You deserve unconditional love. You deserve worthiness. You Deserve peace. You are beautiful and not just on the surface but your substance is phenomenally made. Be kind to yourself. Be empathetic towards your journey. Be open to learning new things about yourself. Give yourself space. Give yourself advice. Give yourself encouragement. Give yourself LOVE, because what you tell yourself matters.
Stop looking in the mirror waiting for other people to compliment you. What you are not willing to accept about yourself, change. Growth happens when you're willing to let go of what is holding you back. One time I went to my girls house and she had a bouquet of flowers inside a champagne bottle I asked her who bought them for her, she said " I bought them for myself, sometimes you have to treat yourself, make yourself feel good." To this day when I know I've neglected myself for too long and I start to feel drained and burnt out I remember her words and smile. Don't wait for someone to buy you anything, don't wait for someone to take you out, don't wait for someone to tell you something, don't wait at all..do it yourself. If I knew then what I know now..it would be that what I tell myself matters and has a strong effect on how I view myself and more importantly treat myself, this year I promise to live my best life loving me.
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